Generation Without Limits

Lasts

I just had grad photos taken last Friday, I haven't graduated yet, I still have seven months left of High School. It's been making me think a lot though, how time has just flown by. My youth of my grade nine, ten and eleven years seem to have jam-packed themselves into a memory that seems like yesterday. I find myself repeating, "I can't believe how fast it went" over and over in my head and out loud. These four years have been leading up to a diploma have included, lots of memories, shedded tears and more laughs than I thought possible in only so little time.

University applications are this month. Next year, I'll be in University. I feel like I just got into High School. I'm more excited then I've ever been, but on the other hand there are days that I think about barricading myself in my room and never coming out. Journalism appeals to me, I love writing. I've grown to like psychology as well. Learning the mind, peoples behavior, and why people are the way they are. I don't know which to choose when I leave. I'm torn between Ryerson in Toronto, and Carleton in Ottawa. These choices are big, bigger than me. How can I outline my own future so soon? I'm making a path for myself, when I'm not even sure where it will lead to. It honestly makes it easier knowing that everyone else is in the same boat as me.

When I look around at school, and really take everything in, I realize this year is truly my last. The last Terry Fox assembly and Terry Fox run. The last Halloween dress up day. The last Christmas assembly. The last 30 Hour Fast. The last Semi Formals. There's so many things I want to participate in this year, because I know I won't be able to do it again. The thing that makes me really want to take in, is the time spent with great friends. Graduation is going to hard, I already know I'm going to be a complete wreck, because I don't want to walk away from a four year friendship or even a new one, not knowing when you're going to see that person again.

Oh life

My goodness I haven't written in a long, long time - Shame on me.

A lot has happened in the past while.

People not making up their minds. This absolutely sucks. When you're so completely sure of something, yet the other person just doesn't know. And you feel yourself needing to move on, but you're just not capable of doing so because you don't want to know what you may have missed out on. It's a vicious circle, and I need out myself. I'm holding on to something that's not even there anymore. I write about it and make it sound easy, but it's not. It's a company in which I've grown accustom to.

School starting. I've just begun grade twelve, and needless to say as much as I was looking forward to going back to school, I'm just as excited now to graduate. I've been to one University seminar at my school held by Trent University, and this Friday I'm going to a University Fair in Toronto. Last week I helped out with Picture Day, and grad photos are being taken in November. I am excited, but then nervous at the same time. I don't even want to know when University applications need to be sent out. It's all coming so fast, it's as if I'm living this year just for the next. Decisions, decisions...

Job, or lack-there-of. I've been unemployed since last summer, and I don't mean the summer that's just passed, I mean since last LAST summer. I'm completely broke, and no matter how much I know my parents love me and give me the money I need for things, I feel so incredibly guilty for not having a job to contribute to anything. I've been handing out resumes left, right and center since the beginning of last summer and I've yet to have even an interview anywhere. It's as if I have some sort of plague. I don't understand, I'm a friendly person, I have credible work skills, I'm determined and ambitious. I also have work experience at Brighton Speedway for being a server and cashier, and nothing. Not a single word back from anywhere. I can't rely on my parents for money, it's killing me. I need a job.

Oh life.

Sometimes I Feel I Don't Need to Know Reasons Behind Everything

The feeling of being late is one that you hold against yourself. It's no one else's fault but your own. When you finally come to a realization after someone else has, and for a while, there's nothing but an emptiness with nothing to fill the void of the time that was spent being late of not knowing.

For someone who wants to be a writer, there weren't any words I could have tried to say to make things right. Nothing seemed possible to try to change the mind of someone who'd already had it made. The time left in between us was a gap of silence and oblivion, until the very last moment. Nothing can be fixed in those moments. The thought that I hold onto is, if something was said by the one who had been so silent there wouldn't have to be less smiles and happy moments. If that person found the courage that I had not that long ago, to speak up for themselves then maybe things wouldn't have ended so soon. If the reason for the silence was because of the time we spent together, if that's even the case, then our relationship shouldn't have made him feel like his mouth had be taped shut. "If" holds a world of possibilities. Ones that I want to know for the truths sake, and ones I don't for the sake of not wanting to ever resent someone I love so much. How do you believe someone that hurt you, even though you know they never wanted to? The pain is still fresh in your mind every time you see something, or hear a song that reminds you of them.

I want to believe Mr. Silent, but I don't want him putting words in my mouth to make me believe what is true. On my own time I'll move on, knowing my own version of what happened and the possibilities. I pray to hold on to a piece of what we once had, and start from the beginning. Always growing with no need to hold grudges. I am who I am, and I write with all I have to offer. I love and I break, give and take, and sometimes I feel I don't need to know reasons behind everything.

Find Your Voice

I've always been a quiet one; inarticulate to say the least. With writing, and this blog though the form of communication comes as a second-nature. What I mean comes out the way I want it to.

I've finally found my voice though. I talked to the bird and I do believe that we've come to see eye-to-eye. I'm happy that I grasped the courage inside of me to say something, because I know if I hadn't I'd always be unsure of our relationship.

Also, I've spoken to an person that I've sort of lost touch with. We have a history with some rough ends, but have always kept things civil, which I'm happy about. Both of us got a lot off our chest about what we once had, and I believe things are looking upward.

Communication is the only way to get your message across. If you stay quiet, you won't get what you need; whether it be help, a favor, an emotion. And you can't rely on others to just assume what you want. 

Good things can happen once you find your voice.

To the Bird

Trust my reasons for what happened and know I make mistakes.
Trust my good intentions and know they'll never falter.
Trust that I've been broken and know I am vulnerable.
Trust my love for him and know that he deserves it.

Please ask before you assume.
Please talk to me if I am the concern.
Please realize I have cause for my own.
Please don't be duplicitous.

You are why I am wary.
You are why I am hurt.
You are why I worry.
You are why he's here.

So thank-you,

He and I are happy,
but let us be.

Summer Holding Expectations

I look outside the windows of my home, and I recognize the same things I see everyday. This is why I enjoy summer so much. I don't have the same scheduled day five days a week, of school from am to pm, homework until it's finished and not know what do to with myself for the rest of the evening. The summer brings options to go out and live a full day.

I'm sure it's obvious there's not a lot to do in Brighton. The next town over, Trenton, has a movie theater and there are malls in both Cobourg and Belleville. We have Presqu'ile, parks, a bowling alley... that's all that comes to mind. I'm about to get my license to drive soon, which will be good to go out and go places. I hate being stuck at home not doing anything.

I went to Cobourg for Canada Day as I do every year. I stayed there for a couple days, hanging out at the festival at the waterfront and mall. Last Saturday I went to Picton with my best friend and her family. I enjoyed the drive there, we took a ferry ride with our on the boat to another piece of land. Coming back from seeing the oldest church in Canada we went to Lake on the Mountain. 

It's nice to get out of a regime, tosee new things and have something to do. I'm excited to go off to University next year and live in a big city. I love the diversity of Toronto (if I manage to get into Ryerson),  and all of the sights and sounds. It definitely has a huge impact of a small town girl. It's like a place to escape, to imagine and get lost in. I would easily indulge myself in new experiences. It's exciting to think about all of the things I wouldn't be capable of reaching where I am now.

This summer I'm ready to go out and live each day. I'm not going to watch re-runs of Dawson's Creek and Friends. I have high expectations for what is ahead of me.

Climbs

Things happen, life happens. Moments come and go; some bad, some good. And there's nothing you can do but make the most out of it. Life isn't always going to show you mole hills. Sometimes the steeper the climb, the better it is for you. The more heartache and hardship you experience in life, will determine what kind of person you are. The strength you have to pull through, no matter how small or large the instance, can shine a perspective of light to other people of who you really are.

If you give up and fall out, then the hope is clearly gone. Things could be much worse then what's handed to you. Don't hate hate that day, look at the days to come. Don't take what you have for granted, no matter how little the piece of time may be. Don't wait, don't think of "what could have been", and don't hold grudges. We've all heard forgive and forget, and really it's all you can do. Just move on, let that time go. It's made you who you are, and it's just time let life happen. People that have tremendously hurt you, that only bring you down, clearly aren't meant to be there. If you know genuinely they love you for you and feel the same hurt you do, then second chances can be allowed.

In life you have to have a slice of humble pie, and live it until you're full.

Changing

What constitutes to how you have and how much you've changed over the years?
On the outside, it can be your look. You can change your hair, your style, how you present yourself. It can be on the inside. How you view yourself. How you want others to view you. Personality-wise, you can change. There always has to be a catalyst. A movement that inspires you to want to be something you vie for.
Experiences shape you to who you are today. Moments your heart has beated at it's fullest, where it has nearly lost strength, moments it's strings have been pulled, or completely torn into pieces, worn on your sleeve, or just worn out. You're heart has taken you places you wanted to be in the past, and where you want to go in the future.
Whether or not you've changed in a day, a week, month or year; everyone does so. You can think back and barely remember who you once were. Memories that have faded into black and white specks, that skip in places like an old Charlie Chaplin film. Or you can think back and remember who you were yesterday ask yourself if you still want to be them.
Are you looking back at yourself and wanting it back, or pushing yourself further from them?
Are you happier? You should be. It's your life.
Hold it and embrace it. Let your heart lead you, and let it be full. Be yourself and make sure every change is for the better.

Life Until Summer

Oh my, talk about feeling bad. I know it's been far too long since my last post. Life has been crazy and melancholy at the same time. Summer cannot come fast enough, the heat is taunting but the school-work has been piled on as if I have no other life outside of school. I just handed in an ISU (Independent Study Unit) in Law, which was an essay on a chosen topic. That wasn't so bad I suppose. I have another ISU due around the end of this month, for Fine Art. It consists of a twenty page scrapbook of myself, my personality and traits, as well as a fully rendered portrait of myself. My procrastination is slowly turning to guilt, so I should start working more diligently on that. Math is torture. It's always been my worst subject. One day I'll actually understand something, or begin to pick it up. The next I'll be staring at homework or a test and start feeling like I'm about to have an aneurysm.

Whenever I think about writing in my blog, I feel it has to be epic. Something outstanding, amazing, something that someone will find incredible and smile at, or really think about. But my life at the moment hasn't been all that outstanding or amazing. High school has been high school. My friends have been awesome. My best friend David and I just became more than friends, which makes me anxious and excited at the same time. I don't have a job which has me kind of bummed. I should be getting my G2 soon, and I need the money. No where seems to be hiring, and I've been flying resumes out left, right and center. Even though I enjoy summer, and working would hinder time out, I still wouldn't mind a flow of financial income I don't have to ask my parents for. Life, has been pretty much been that since my last blog.

An Adult?

I know I haven't written in a long time, and I know that I should. It's just that I can't write when I'm not inspired by something. Usually I can't pull something out of thin air and just work with it to make it fantastic, I have to be passionate about it. I'll work on it though. I don't live a boring life, I live a seventeen year-old life. Writing about being a girl, going to school, and day-to-day life is more difficult than I expected. I just want what I write to be perfect, and interesting.

It's hard to think and even believe next year I'll be eighteen. How do you consider yourself an adult? I think I've been more mature than most kids my age since I was about in grade six. Maybe it was because I was brought up as an only child... I was always with my parents, and when I didn't have friends over I was by myself kind of lost in my thoughts. Maybe it was because I was brought up with manners... I've always been told to say please and thank-you. I've been eating with a knife and fork since I could practically hold utensils. Making sure to be polite when you meet adults. Maybe it was because I enjoy school... Whether or not I like to admit it, I do enjoy school. I like to learn, and experience new things. My mom always told me to ask when I didn't understand something. I've always loathed math and science, but I always pushed through them. I strived in English and any arts. Perhaps it was a creative mind that developed a sense of self before most? Maybe it was because I've learned through experience... I've always learned from my mistakes. I don't care if I fit in with the crowed or not. It's not like I'm living for someone else besides me, and what makes me happy should only matter to people who honestly care.

Being an adult seems so, official. Like my childhood will be deemed as yesterday, and I'll have some sort of standard to uphold. I don't want my life to revolve around my career and money, as it seems so many "adult" lives are consumed by. I want to be able to have happiness and fun, without the stress aging seems to cause. I don't know a thing about mortgages, loans, taxes; it's all gibberish to me. I'm scared that I'll be pushed into something I'm not ready for. I'll be overwhelmed with nonsense and life I won't want to deal with. I'll wonder where the time went and begin to say old sayings like, "When I was your age" or "back in the day".

Turning eighteen, I'll be allowed to vote. I can be charged as an adult for a crime (not that I would). I can buy cigarettes (again not that I would). I can enlist in the military, but it's not exactly my forte. I can buy porn, but probably wouldn't. My medical information doesn't have to be looked at by anyone but myself. I can own a credit card. I can live on my own, which is a scary thought but I'm also looking forward to it. I can get a tattoo without parental consent, which is cool cause I plan on getting more.

Next year I'll be graduating high school; also, a scary thought. It seems I was just in grade nine and was nervous looking up at all the big kids. Now I'm looking into Universities and thinking about scholarships and bursaries. It's like life slapped me across the face and was like, this is what you're doing with your life, you're not a little kid anymore. Thinking about the career you want, and what you're going to do with your life is the weirdest thing. It's like my present is always working for the future; even though I'm uncertain of what it will hold. Daddy and mommy's little girl is imminently becoming a year older, which makes me an "adult".