I Don't Be-Leaf

You know yesterday when I wrote that I had grown past my childish hate of the Toronto Maple Leafs?

I was wrong. And before you go telling me that I should turn the other cheek, that I should not cast the first stone, that I should make love and not war, be assured that this matter is out of my hands.

I don't loathe the Leafs because it brings me joy. I loathe them because I have no other choice.

I loathe because they force me to!

Take last night for example. Like any hockey fan, I tuned in with genuine interest as Hockey Night in Toronto Canada got the season going with the Leafs visit to Detroit. The Red Wings raised their hard won Stanley Cup banner and preceded to roll out a sloppy, lazy effort. To the Leafs credit, they took advantage and got some strong performances, especially from goalie Vesa Toskala, on the way to beating the "invincible" Red Wings 3-2.

Good going! I'm happy somebody took the Wings down a peg and showed the league they're mortal, especially since all the experts are picking them to thrash my Habs in the Stanley Cup Final.

While the win surprised me, it did nothing to rekindle the old hatred. That came later, when I strolled into a gas station this morning to pay my 100 cents a litre (probably a year low, but still too much) and noticed the front page of the Toronto Sun. It was a full page celebration, with a Leaf player raising his arms after a goal scored astride the truly horrific headline, "Start the Parade".

As in, Stanley Cup parade.

After one game.

After one win.

A one goal win.

You might compare the effects of the headline on this Habs fan as that of red kryptonite on Superman. All my bad impulses rushed to the fore, and my eyes burned with an evil red glare.  The papers erupted in flames, and the gas station attendant screamed and ran, his mouth agape. And as the flames devoured those tabloid rags, a wicked smile spread on my face, and I laughed a dark laugh unheard of in these times, and the skies turned black as I sung the song that ends the world....

Or maybe I just gritted my teeth, paid for my gas and went on my way. I don't really remember.

I suppose one can't expect much better from a newspaper that once ran a headline of, "Leafs Win!" the day after an intra squad game.

Then it was on to page two, where another headline trumpeted that "Leaf fans party like it's 1967", and its accompanying article that detailed the celebrations Leaf fans engaged in during and after the game in downtown Toronto.

Where mere moments before I was a mature adult male slightly impressed with a rival's unlikely victory, I suddenly found myself back in grade 11, hoping that the Leafs would round out the season with a sturdy record of one win and 81 losses.

Which is still in the cards, by the way.